Many of the jokes - but not all - here under are taken from Richard Deat´s little book
"How to keep laughing, - even though you´ve considered all the facts"
Richard Deats is on the national staff of the U.S. Fellowship of Reconcilition
You´re welcome to send your own contribution to this page to:
Borrowing Mirth
Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Weep, and you weep alone.
For this old earth must borrow its mirth,
It has trouble enough of its own.
Einstein and the Chauffer
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night, as Einstein and his chauffer were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur, a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks amd manner, that he was
tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein put on the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then, an extremely pompous professor asked a confusing and difficult question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur answer it for me."Woody Allen gave a commencement address in which he told the graduates, "More than any other time in history, humanity faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
After Margaret Thatcher stepped down as prime Minister, it is said that President Bush telephoned her to inquire what she thought of her predecessor John Major, who was then pretty much of an unknown quantity to Americans. "Oh, he's brilliant," she replied. "How do you know?" asked Bush. "Well, he passed my intelligence test in a flash." "What is that test" asked Bush. "Well," she said, I asked him "Who is the son of your father who is not your brother" "It is I," said Major immediately, proving his superior intelligence." The next day Bush asked Quayle: "Dan, who is the son of your father who is not your brother:" "I'll need some time to think about that," said Quayle. "Oh, all right" said Bush impatiently. That night Quayle called Kissinger and asked him: "Dr. Kissinger, who is the son of your father who is not your brother?" "It is I," said Kissinger immediately. The next day Quayle told Bush that he had the answer to the riddle": "It is Dr. Kissinger." "No, dummy," said Bush. "It is John Major!"
An Anglican clergyman, departing for England after giving a series of lectures in Scotland, was asked how he liked Scotland. The country has its good qualities," he said, "but it has three serious drawbacks. It's always raining. It's too cold. And there are too many Presbyterians." "In that case," replied his host, "I suggest you go to hell. It never rains. It's always hot. And there are no Presbyterians."
A woman was driving down the New Jersey Turnpike with four penguins in the back seat. A state trooper stopped her and said, "Lady, you'll have to take those penguins to the zoo." "AlI right, officer," she said and drove off. The next day the same trooper saw the woman in the same car drive by and this time the four penguins were in the back seat wearing sunglasses." Again he stopped her and sternly said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo?" "I did," she replied, "and today I'm taking them to the beach."
One evening a man gives his wife a glass of water and an aspirin. "What is this for?" she asks. "For your headache." "But I don´t have a headache," the wife replies. "Gottcha!" says the husband.
The philosopher Descartes went to a bar and ordered a drink. After he finished, the bartender asked if he wanted another one. "I think not," said Descartes - and instantly disappeared.
A couple from the US got lost while driving across Canada. They stopped and asked a farmer where they were. "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," he replied. "Gosh," said the driver, "we´re more lost than I thought. They don´t even speak English here."
After taking their vows, the couple in a wedding ceremony knelt on the kneeling bench in front of the altar. Unknown to the groom, someone had written on the bottom of his shoes, "HELP!"
Buddhist humor:
First the bad news: There is no key to unlock the mysteries of the universe.
Now the good news: The door has been left unlocked.
In a monastery where the inhabitants have taken a vow of silence, the monks are allowed to speak once every five years.
"What would you like to say this year?" asks the head monk. "Well," says the monk, "it would be nice if the soup were served a little warmer."
"Thank you," replies the head monk.
Another five years go by. "What would you like to say this year?" asks the head monk.
"Well," says the monk, "our meditation cushions are getting lumpy and really need to be replaced."
"Thank you," says the head monk.
Another five years pass, and he asks, "What would you like to say this time?:
"Well," says the monk, "don't you think it's about time we allowed women into the order?"
"I don't know why you stay here," says the head monk. "All you've been doing for the last fifteen years is complaining, complaining, complaining."
The Rev. Henry Ward Beecher once received a letter with the single word, "Fool!" He told his congregation, "I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter."
Archbishop Tutu was walking past a construction site in Capetown. There was a temporary sidewalk only wide enough for one person to walk on it at a time. A white man at the other end of the sidewalk recognized the archbishop and said, "I don´t give way to gorillas." Upon which Tutu stepped aside, made a low sweeping gesture and said, "Ah, yes, but I do."
In commenting on conflicts between oppressors and the oppressed, Archbishop Tutu says, "When the elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality."
Before you read on, clique here, fill in the form and be registered to win a brand new F-117A !
A man says to the Lord, "Is it true that in your scale of reckoning a thousand years is like a minute?" The Lord assures him that it is. "And is it true that in your weights and measures, a thousand dollars is like a penny?" Again the Lord assures him that that is right. The man then says, "Lord, I am a poor man. Give me a penny." The Lord says, "In a minute."
A pastor knocked repeatedly on a parishoner´s door. Although he clearly heard the TV on inside, noe one came to the door. As he left he pushed his calling card under the door, writing on the back, "Revelation 3:20. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone will open, I will come in." The next Sunday a woman at church handed him a card that read, "Genesis 3:10. I heard thy voice and was naked, so I hid myself."
A brilliant young solicitor was struck down dead. When he arrived at the gate of heaven he was extremely angry and berated St. Peter. "I am only 32 years old, I´m fit, never been ill in my life. You´ve made a serious mistake!"
St. Peter tried to calm him down and explained they never made mistakes. The young man continued to expostulate. He insisted that St. Peter check the files. After a considerable delay, St. Peter returned with a cynical smile on his face. "Yes," he said, "there does seem to have been a mistake, but I think it is not ours but yours. You see, we added up the hours on your time-charge sheets to your clients, and it came to 87 years!"
A man falling off a cliff grabs a branch and as he hangs in midair, he looks heavenward and cries, "Is anyone up there?"
"An ethereal voice replies, "Let go and I will bear thee up." After a few moments, the man says, "Anyone else?"
Abraham Lincoln, of course, was one of the great humorists and story tellers of the last century. He liked to tell the story of the woman who stared at him on the train and finally said, "You are the ugliest man I have ever seen in my life." "Well," said Lincoln, "I don't know what I can do about it." "You could stay home!" the woman replied.
When Warren Austin was the U.S. Arnbassador to the United Nations, he earnestly suggested that the Jews and Arabs resolve their differences in a true Christian spirit.
A Zen disciple goes up to a hot-dog vendor in New York City's Central Park and says, "Make me one with everything."
A missionary was walking in a jungle in Africa when he saw a lion approaching. "O Lord," he prayed, "grant in thy goodness that this lion is a good Christian lion. In the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion pray, "O Lord, I thank thee for this food which I am about to receive. Amen".
A man pouring his date a drink says, "Say when." "Right after this drink," she replies.
What does a grape say when you step on it? Nothing, it just gives a little wine.
George Bernard Shaw invited Churchill to the first night of one of his plays, enclosing two tickets so that you can bring a friend, if you have one. Churchill, never at a loss for words, replied that unfortunately he couldn't come the first night but would be delighted to attend the second night, if there is one.
At a party Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee." "If you were my wife," he replied, "I would drink it!"
Churchill once said that the trouble with the Balkans is that the region produces more history than it can consume.
John Kenneth Galbraith referred to 1980s Reaganomics as "horse and sparrow" economics: the idea that if you just give enough oats to horses, some will be discharged on the roads for the sparrows.
A reception is held for a new Episcopal bishop in Washington, D.C. As the bishop is talking with a prominent Baptist minister, the waiter comes up and offers them a cocktail. The minister says, "I'd rather commit adultery than drink a cocktail." "Wouldn't we all?" smiles the bishop.
A swollen river brings a rising flood to a Louisiana valley. A National Guard jeep drives by an endangered house and the guardswoman tells the occupant to get in before the waters come. "God will take care of me," says the man. Soon the waters have flooded the first floor. A motorboat comes by and the man is offered a ride. "God will take care of me," says the man. Hours later the water has reached the roof. A helicopter flies by and the pilot tells the man, now on the roof, to climb in. "God will take care of me," he again replies. Soon the waters cover the roof and the man drowns. As he reaches heaven he complains to God for not saving him. "Look," says God. "I sent a jeep, a boat and a helicopter. What more do you expect?"
Married for 40 Years
A couple had been married for 40 years. They had both celebrated their 60th birthdays recently. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.
As a faithful, loving spouse, the wife wanted a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof! The wife had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn, and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted -- all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, and then, he said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger me."
The fairy picked up her wand and poof! He was 90!
MURPHY´S LAW
ANYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG, WILL GO WRONG
CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITORY.
BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP, UGLY GOES TO THE BONE.
IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
NEVER ARGUE WITH A FOOL, PEOPLE MIGHT NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
FRIENDS COME AND GO, BUT ENEMIES ACCUMULATE.
THE OTHER QUEUE ALWAYS MOVES FASTER.
ANYTHING YOU TRY TO FIX WILL TAKE LONGER AND COST MORE THAN YOU THOUGHT.
THE CHANCE OF A SLICE OF BREAD FALLING BUTTER SIDE DOWN IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE COST OF THE CARPET.
NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE CRAZIER THAN YOURSELF.
THE REPAIRMAN WILL NEVER HAVE SEEN A MODEL QUITE LIKE YOURS BEFORE.
A SHORT CUT IS THE LONGEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS.
ANYTHING GOOD IN LIFE IS EITHER ILLEGAL, IMMORAL OR FATTENING.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS THE HEADLAMP OF AN ONCOMING TRAIN.
MURPHY'S GOLDEN RULE: WHOEVER HAS THE GOLD MAKE THE RULES.
NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU SHOP FOR AN ITEM, ONCE YOU'VE BOUGHT IT,
IT WILL BE ON SALE SOMEWHERE ELSE CHEAPER.
IN ORDER TO GET A LOAN, YOU MUST FIRST PROVE YOU DON'T NEED IT.
MURPHY WAS AN OPTIMIST
"Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3" and the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million Afghans this time and one cyclist."
And the guy exclaimed, "A cyclist ?!!!"
So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 20 million Afghans!"
Billy Graham preached in Edinburgh, Scotland at the height of the Cold War when there were great fears about nuclear war. Lord George MacLeod, Moderator of the Church of Scotland and IFOR President, went up to Graham during a reception and said, "Billy, what do you think of nuclear weapons?" Replied Graham, "Well, I am an evangelist and my job is to lead people to Christ. Once they have been saved, then they will know how to deal with questions like that." "Well, Billy," said MacLeod, "you've been saved. What do you think of nuclear weapons?"
Madeline Albright, whose father was Czechoslovak Ambassador to Yugosslavia from 1945 to 1948, introduces herself as "the daughter of the former ambassador from the former Czechoslovakia to the former Yugoslavia.
Gandhi said, "If I had no sense of humor I should long ago have committed suicide."
Once Gandhi had tea with the King of England. The Mahatma wore his usual dress: a homespun loincloth. When later asked if he had felt under-dressed, Gandhi replied that the King had worn enough clothes for the two of them.
When asked what he thought of Western civilization, Gandhi replied, "I think it would be a good idea."
Before the fall of communism, there were plenty of jokes that poked fun at the system:
How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American Constitution? Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but in the United States they are guaranteed freedom after speech.
How are the U.S. and Poland similar? In the United States you cannot buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can´t either. And in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
Poland´s great openness was unusual in the Eastern bloc. This is demonstrated in this story: Two dogs meet in Warsaw´s Old City. One is a Czech dog, well-fed and healthy looking. The other is an emaciated cur, from Poland. The Czech dog comes for a visit and tells the Polish dog that in Prague there is plenty to eat. "Then why have you come here?" asks the cur. "To bark," replies the Czech dog.
A collective farm sold 20 calves to the State and reported it to the District. The District reported to the Region that they sold 30. The Region reported to the Republic that they sold 50. The Republic reported to Moscow that they sold 100. So Moscow decided to send 20 calves to Vietnam and keep the rest.
Latvia asked Moscow for independence for one year. The answer was no. Then they asked for independence for 2 weeks. The answer was still no. But when they asked Moscow for independence for 2 hours, Moscow said yes. So Latvia declared war on Sweden and surrendered to them five minutes later.
Gorbachev told this one on himself:
President Bush has 100 bodyguards and one of them is a terrorist, but he does not know which one.
President Mitterand has 100 lovers and one of them has AIDS, but he does not know which one.
And Gorbachev has 100 economic advisers. One of them is smart, but he does not know which one."Why should we rejoice over the creation of a multiparty system?" asked a former Communist after the fall of the Berlin Wall. "Just look what one party did to us!"
For those who have English as a second language, it´s not always easy:
A Filipino chapel speaker concluded his sermon on world understanding by saying, "What we need today is more intercourse between people."
A sign on a two-story tailor shop in Hong Kong: "Foreign ladies have fits upstairs".
A sign in the Hong Kong airport: "We take your luggage in all directions."
The cafeteria in the Instanbul airport serve "terminal soup", while a Chinese restaurant in London offers on its menu "steamed dick with vegetables."
In a Moscow hotel: If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it.
In a Prague travel agency: Take one of our hose-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
In a Rumanian hotel: The lift is being fixed for the next days. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Tokyo hotel: The flattening of underwear with pressure is the job of the chambermaid. To get it done, turn her on.
In Macao an optical establishment had a sign saying: "You can have your eyes examined while you wait!"
In a hotel in Acapulco: "The manager has personally passed the water served here."
At a dry cleaners in Bangkok: "Drop your pants here for best results."
Definitions:The definition of a foundation: An island of money surreounded by people who want some.
A BBC commentator called Israel "a mecca for tourists."
Mark Twain defines a classic as a book which people praise but don´t read.
H.L. Menken defines Puritanism as "the lurking fear that somewhere someone may be having a good time."
The definition of a cigarette: A white stick with a glow in one end and an idiot in the other.
Why English is so hard
Something to Ponder:
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd,
or an end?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P. S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
Bare norsk / Norwegian only:
Endre kurs, takk!
Dette er et autentisk utdrag fra en radiosamtale mellom et skip fra den amerikanske marinen og kanadiske sjøfarsmyndigheter utenfor kysten av Newfoundland 10. oktober 1995:
Amerikanerne: Vennligst endre din kurs 15 grader nord for å unngå kollisjon!
Kanadierne: Anbefaler deg å endre DIN kurs 15 grader sør for å unngå kollisjon!
Amerikanerne: Dette er kapteinen på et amerikansk marinefartøy. Jeg gjentar: Endre DIN kurs!
Kanadierne: Nei, jeg repeterer, du bør endre DIN kurs!
Amerikanerne: Dette er hangarskipet USS "Lincoln". Det neste største skipet i USAs Atlanterhavsflåte. Vi er støttet av tre torpedobåter, tre kryssere og en rekke støtteskip. Jeg anmoder DEG om å skifte DIN kurs 15 grader nord, eller regn med at nødvendig handling vil bli tatt for å sørge for dette skips sikkerhet!
Kanadierne: Dette er et fyrtårn. Over.
6.-klassingen kom hjem fra skolen en dag og ba fortvilet sin far om hjelp til leksene.
Selvfølgelig, svarte far. Ingen problemer. Hva trenger du hjelp til ?
Gutten forklarte at de hadde fått to dager på seg til å definere hvordan samfunnet henger sammen politisk og sosialt, rett og slett hvordan det er bygd opp.
Faren var ikke like selvsikker lenger, men ville likevel gjøre sitt beste.
La meg gi deg et eksempel, sa han. Siden det er jeg som bidrar med inntektene her i huset, så kan jeg være kapitalismen. Din mor bestemmer og styrer alt, dermed er hun regjeringen. Hushjelpen (som også bodde i huset) arbeider hele døgnet, dermed kan hun representere arbeiderklassen. Du min sønn, kan være folket, mens din lillebror (2 år) er en ypperlig representant for fremtiden. Skjønner du noe av hva jeg mener ?
Nei, dette er jeg ikke helt sikker på, men jeg skal sove på det, svarte sønnen.
Utpå natten våknet gutten av at lillebroren skrek. Ved å gå bort til sengen, skjønte han på lukten at noe burde gjøres med bleiene.
Han gikk og banket på foreldrenes rom, men ingen svarte. Han gikk inn, bare for å finne sin mor sovende. Han prøvde å vekke henne, men fikk ingen respons. Han gikk videre til hushjelpens rom og banket på. Ingen svarte, og han prøvde å gå inn. Men døren var låst. Gjennom nøkkelhullet kunne han se hushjelpen og sin egen far svært opptatt. Han dundret på døren, men fikk ikke svar. Irritert gikk han bare og la seg igjen, dro dyna over hodet og sovnet.
Neste morgen var alle samlet til frokost, og hans far var nysgjerrig på om han hadde lært noe av eksempelet fra dagen før.
Ja, svarte gutten. Nå skjønner jeg hvordan alt henger sammen, sa han.
Vel, hva venter du på? La oss høre, sa faren.
Gutten trakk pusten godt inn og begynte: Mens kapitalismen høvler over arbeiderklassen, sover regjeringen, folket blir totalt ignorert og fremtiden er full av dritt !
Et innlegg i EU-debatten? Himmelen er det sted der politiet er britiske, kokkene franske, mekanikerne tyske, elskerne italienske og alt er organisert av sveitsere. Helvete er det sted der kokkene er britiske, mekanikerne franske, elskerne sveitsiske, politiet tyske og alt er organisert av italienere.
En hirdmann kom nedover Bakkegata i Trondheim under den 2. verdenskrig. Da han fikk se en liten gutt som satt på fortauet med fire-fem nyfødte kattunger, stanset han og sa: - Nei, så søte små kattunger! - Det æ itj kattunger, sa gutten, - de æ smånazister. - Jaså, sa hirdmannen fornøyd og spaserte videre. En uke senere kom han samme veien, og traff den samme gutten: - Nå, hvordan går det med smånazistene dine da? spurte han vennlig. - De æ itj smånazister lenger, svarte gutten, - for nå har de åpna øyan!
Fra Radio Jerevan:
Etter at Khrutsjov hadde holdt sin berømte tale mot Stalin og stalinismen på den 20. partikongress, hørtes en rasende røst fra salen: "Men hva gjorde De hele tiden?"
Khrutsjov bad mannen reise seg, men han ble redd og dukket sammen på stolen.
"Jeg gjorde akkurat som Dem," sa Khrutsjov. "Jeg gjemte meg."
Stalin var død, og han kom som seg hør og bør til helvete. Kort tid etter, hørte St. Peter at noen banket på Perleporten. Da han åpnet, fant han Fanden selv utenfor. "Får jeg komme inn," tryglet han. "Jeg er politisk flyktning."
- Vet du hvorfor politimenn alltid går to og to sammen.
Nei??? Jo, det er fordi den ene kan lese og den andre kan skrive.
Ah!!!
- Men vet du hvorfor det alltid går tre politimenn sammen i Sovjetunionen?
Nei???
- Den ene kan lese, den andre kan skrive og den tredje overvåker de intellektuelle...
En musikkstudent satt i en park og leste partituret til Beethovens niende symfoni. Det kom en KGB-mann forbi, og han antok at det dreide seg om en hemmelig kode, så han arresterte studenten. Under forhøret gjorde studenten hele tiden oppmerksom på at dette var et verk av Beethoven. Neste morgen ble han kalt inn til forhør, og han gjentok at det var Beethoven som hadde skrevet... "De kan spare Dem den der," sa forhørsdommeren, "det vet vi. Beethoven har allerede tilstått."
Etter Berlinmurens fall dukket Karl Marx en dag opp hos sjefen i Moskva TV og spurte om han ikke kunne få lov til å lede et times program. "Dessverre, det har vi nok ikke tid til," svarte ejefen. Marx bad da tynt om i det minste å få en halv time fordi det var så mye han skulle ha sagt etter så mange år. "En halv time! Umulig!" Som den påståelige mann Marx var, klarte han til slutt å trumfe igjennom at han skulle få et halvt minutt av nyhetssendingen. Han kom frem på skjermen og sa: "Proletarer i alle land, tilgi meg!"
Fra Sarajevo under beleiringen 1992-95:
- Mor, hva brukte folk før stearinlyset?
- Elektrisitet!Sulje og Mulje sitter og tar seg en rullings da en granat kommer farende inn gjennom vinduet, sneier tett inntil Mulje og tar med seg hans venstre øre, før den udetonerte lander bak sofaen. Sulje farer skrekkslagen mot utgangsdøra, mens Mulje i det stummende mørket som oppstår, legger seg flat på gulvet og begynner å rote under sofaen, mens han skriker: - Øret mitt, øret mitt. - Blås i øret, og se til å komme deg ut før den eksploderer! roper Sulje. - Jadajadajada, svarer Meho, - jeg blåser vel også i øret. Det er sneipen jeg hadde bak øret jeg leter etter...
En mann rir på en kamel i ørkenen, der han oppdager tre brødre som slåss så busta fyker. De har arvet 17 kameler på følgende vis: Eldstebroren skulle få halvparten, den midterste en tredjedel, og den yngste en niendedel. Problemet var at 17 kameler ikke lar seg dele på dette viset. Den fremmede løste problemet elegant: "Dere får min kamel. Eldstebroren får da 9 kameler, den midterste får 6 og yngstemann får 2. Kan jeg få tilbake kamelen min nå, takk!?"
På sin første dag i Paris forlot to arabiske oljesheiker hotellet de hadde tatt inn på for å kjøpe seg en bil. Da de hadde funnet en passende Rolls Royce dro de opp hvert sitt Visakort. - Nei, nei, sa den ene, - nå er det min tur. Du betalte jo nettopp frokosten.
Amerikanske våpenlover, - tro det eller ei:
1. Det er ulovlig å skyte med våpen, kanon, revolver eller andre eksplosive våpen i et bryllup. (Pennsylvania)
2. I Pennsylvania må enhver som kjører et motorisert kjøretøy sende et nødsignal hver mil og vente 10 minutter for at veien skal bli ryddet for fe. (Pennsylvania)
3. Man risikerer $ 500 i bot hvis man detonerer en atombombe innenfor byens grenser. (Chico / California)
4. Det er ulovlig å skyte kaniner fra motorbåt. (Kansas)
5. Boten for å vifte med en pistol i offentlighet er større enn å skyte med den. (Colombus / Minnesota)
6. Det er ulovlig å skyte en indianer på hest hvis du er i en dekket vogn. (New Mexico)
7. Alle myndige menn må ta med rifler til kirken for å avverge indianer-angrep. (South Carolina)
8. Dersom det er mer enn 5 indianere på eiendommen din kan du skyte dem. (South Dakota)
9. Dersom 3 eller flere indianere går på en gate sammen, regnes det som ett krigsoppgjør og de kan bli skutt. (Spearfish / South Dakota)
10. Det er ulovlig å skyte hvaler fra en bil i bevegelse (Tennessee)
11. Det er ulovlig å fange fisk med lasso. (Tennessee)
12. Det er ulovlig å detonere atomvåpen, men det er lov å ha dem. (Utah)
13. Det er ulovlig å drepe sine fiender... (Wisconsin)
14. Det er forbudt å kjøpe eller bruke kinaputter i byen, men du kan få kjøpt helautomatiske maskingevær. (Milwaukee / Wisconsin)
15. Det er ulovlig å anvende "rom-våpen". (North Andover / Massachusetts)
Fra Balder nr. 6/2001
En nybakt misjonær utsendt til Afrika følte seg litt usikker og ensom. Etter et års tid bestemte han seg derfor til å besøke en eldre, mer erfaren misjonær han hadde hørt om før han dro hjemmefra. Etter tre dager til fots gjennom jungelen, kom han endelig fram. Til sin store forbauselse bodde den gamle misjonæren i en luksuriøs villa, omringet av en praktfull hage. Etter flere dagers teologisk samtale, tok den nybakte endelig mot til seg og spurte hvordan han hadde fått råd til å bygge et så stort hus. - Jo, sa den gamle, - når jeg tar inn kollekten, deler jeg den i to like deler, en til Gud og en til meg selv. Før den nybakte vandret tilbake til sin misjonsstasjon ble de enige om at den gamle skulle komme på gjenvisitt om et år eller to. Og slik ble det. Men da var det den gamle som ble forbauset, for da han kom fram så han ikke bare en villa, men et helt palass omringet av en stor park. - Nå, sa han til den unge misjonæren, - jeg ser at du tok deg mitt råd ad notam. Men hvordan i all verden har du fått det til på så kort tid!? - Jo, svarte den nå ikke lenger helt uerfarne, - jeg gjorde akkurat det samme som deg, men på en litt annen måte. Når kollekten var samlet inn, tok jeg den i begge hender, kastet den opp i været og sa: "Gud, nå kan du ta din del, så tar jeg resten."
To eldre damer satt og hørte på kveldsnytt på radioen. Under værmeldingen duppet de av litt og merket ikke at det skiftet til Sjakknytt. Plutselig rykket den ene til og ropte til den andre: - Er det ikke fælt med all denne volden!!! - Hva var det nå da? spurte den andre og glippet med øynene. - Jo, sa den andre, - en svart løper har slått en hvit bonde på E6. Hvor skal dette ende!!!????
En bil ble stanset av en politimann. - Gratulerer, sa han. - De er nummer 1 million som kjører på denne veien. Derfor får De en sjekk på kr. 10.000. Hva vil De bruke pengene til? - Førerkort, svarte mannen. - Ikke hør på ham, han er full, sa kona, som satt ved siden av ham. - Hva var det jeg sa! kom det fra svigermor i baksetet. - Vi ville ikke komme langt med denne stjålne bilen...!!!
- Her har De menyen, sa flyvertinnen til kannibalen som var ute og fløy for første gang. - Takk, men jeg tar heller passasjerlisten, var svaret.
Og så var det kannibalen som var så glad i en kald skulder...
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